People always say “new year, new me” and before the 2017/2018 transition I said it too- most of the time, it was simply the thing to do. I did not really consider its true meaning and was trying to provide some comedic relief to the shit show my life can sometimes be. But not this year, this year I’ve decided to really assess the phrase “new year, new me” and I’ve decided it does not apply.
I really like me! And all the good and the bad that have made me who I am. So for 2018 its new year, the same me who will continue to learn and grown from my experiences and hopefully continue to become the best version of myself: kind, caring, slightly judgmental but still respectful, and passionate while still taking care of myself. 2017 was in sum an incredibly rough year. There were some crises with friends, my grandmother’s diagnosis and subsequent passing, and finally some romanticism that has been both very good and somewhat crushing. Throughout everything I was able to continue to learn who I am as a person: what I want in life, what I find most important, the qualities I need in the people who I surround myself with, and I was able to identify the people who no matter what will be there for me. It has been amazing to have some new people enter and enrich my life to a level I could have never imagined. Showing me how people can connect and then encourage or empower, comfort, challenge, and excite one and other. 2018 is still scary: I still have many unanswered question when it comes to my personal life, I am still waiting to hear from PhD programs, and it feels, as usual, that the world could throw anything at me. But it’s okay. I may not be as prepared as I want to be but that is how life works. Right now, I am sitting with a lot of uncertainty, it is a lot of limbo that I have little to no control over. My goal for 2018 is twofold: I want to distract myself from the uncertainty and I want to take steps that either help me remove some of that uncertainty or at a minimum help me release some the stress it causes. Here are some techniques I have come up with so far, and I would love to hear what some of your methods are! 1. Participate in activities where I can meet new people… social sports. This is one I have thought about for a while but never had the courage to actually pursue. That romantic interest I alluded to earlier, well, he is the one who actually empowered me to finally do it. So guess what, in a little over a week I start playing dodgeball with almost a complete group of strangers! I pray my inability to play team sports is a thing of the past. 2. Expose myself to uncomfortable situations that I do have the power to manage. This goes back to the dodgeball, it is uncomfortable on its own, but I convinced one of my friends to do it with me. This friend also struggles in new social situations and frankly, they are usually harder for him than they are for me. So although I’m putting myself in this uncomfortable and new environment, I’m doing it in a way that I really am going to have to take charge and manage the situation for both of us. Ideally I’ll come out of this experience with some new friends, confidence I can apply to future anxiety inducing social situations, and maybe a new found passion (the idea of throwing things at a human has sounded appealing on a couple or so occasions). 3. Try the fitness classes that I have been avoiding for a long time. Confession, I started this before the new year by doing a free week at Pure Barre but it still seems daunting to me. I thrive in a group exercise setting but at the same time, I feel embarrassed because I am never that good. That feeling is something I want to learn to be okay with, so I am practicing some exposure therapy. My plan is to try a few different barre studios and then find the one I like and consistently go. I would like to work to get to a point where I can help someone who feels similarly to me. I always like to reflect on how my situation could have been improved if someone had reached out and then to practice that when the tables are turned. 4. Journal. This has never been my thing but lately I have found that writing down my thoughts helps me find calm and focus (kind of like this post). I am constantly concerned I am going to forget something I want to say to someone and how I feel in the moment and writing it down takes that worry away. I have started aggressively using the notes app on my phone and added a small notebook to my collection of things I carry around. It also helps me write my true narrative, in contrast to the biased one that plays out in my head. I get a lot of clarity or at least an understanding of what I need to get clarity/ move on/ succeed/ etc. And finally, eat less canned soup...I’m pretty sure the salt is not helping me physically or mentally in anyway.
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