So it has been basically a month since I last posted and as usual that was not my intention. Honestly though, it was even less my intention than ever other time I have fallen off the face of the planet. Usually, there is something going on that just wipes all motivation from by body but this time it was different. This time I was highly motivated but lacked time. So what was I doing that took so much time, you ask. Trying to move. Obviously I was going to feature some fun pictures with this life update. Like always, bloopers at the end. Outfit details: Red Flats (similar)- WhoWhatWear x Target, Pineapple Crossbody - SheIn, Red Tassel Earrings (similar) - SUGARFIX by BaubleBar, Sheer Lace Top (Similar), Jean Shorts (similar) - Old Navy I knew I was starting laboratory rotations at Rutgers at the beginning of July and I get major OCD when it comes to moving. So back at the end of May my Mom and I, with my intricately organized spreadsheet, went to NJ to look at apartments. We were suppose to look at places if Harrison, Jersey City, and Hoboken but so many realtors flaked. We ended up looking at 9 places out of the 20 I has scheduled. Unfortunately, none of them were a perfect match and I have a hard time settling when it comes to my living space. I was able to identify that I wanted to live in Hoboken or very near by. So I went back to DC and I kept up the search remotely. This was a major time sink! I would sit down on my sofa around 9:30 am and next thing I knew it was 7 pm and I had nothing outside of looking at Zillow. I was forgetting to eat lunch! This went on for a while and I even took a day trip up to Hoboken at one point but nothing was panning out. I had someone to live with but couldn't find a place or I could find a place but not someone to live with. It was a high anxiety, low productivity, exhausting, and unrewarding experience. I was investing days upon days with little return. About a week before I needed to start my rotation I had pretty much given up and decided to stay in an Airbnb while I looked for a place. That same week, I happened to see an ad for a room coming available at the end of August and I jumped on it. So here is where I am at in this moment. I am currently living in a one bedroom apartment, its kind of a dorm but also kind of not, in Newark. Definitely not ideal but it does the trick and it is around the corner from where I am working. I have been working in the lab for almost two weeks now and so far it has been great. Everyone is super welcoming and it just feels good. At the beginning of August I move into an Aibnb in Jersey City, unfortunately its not in the best part but it was cheap. And I will be moving into my apartment at the end of August. I got my ideal location, in a beautiful building, for less than I would have paid with all the other places I looked at. This past weekend my father and I went down to DC to pack up and move all of my stuff into a storage unit around here. It feels like things are finally coming together. I won't feel settled and at a "Pam normal" resting anxiety state until I am in my apartment but at least I know where that is now. And I'll keep you all updated with how all my moving goes. I was thinking about starting a Grad School Diaries section, what do you think? Should I PamSplain what being a PhD student looks like? Note: these are all pictures of me wen I wasn't stressed, 'cause who takes pictures of themselves in that state?
0 Comments
Since I announced that I will be attending Rutgers University for my PhD in Microbiology on Instagram I figured it was a good time to give all of you some more details about what I do and how I got there and what drives me (the abridged version). I apologize, in advance, if this turns into a philosophical like lecture but sometimes that happens when you get me talking. I honestly can't remember a time in my life when I wasn't interested in the sciences. Remember all those kids science kits that you could get from National Geographic or even the Discovery Store (RIP to the brick and mortar), well those gave me life. I always wanted to build a volcano or do some cool experiment. As I grew up this passion continued. I distinctly remember being in 6th grade science and our teacher decided to put on a PBS NOVA episode and I was literally the only one excited. They were just so interesting and informative. My love for science was cultivate from an early age. I was fortunate to have teachers who were able to recognize my burning passion and worked to build that into a career path. Many of my instructors, surprisingly, were strong female role models. Having women who believed in me helped a lot later in life when it felt like the world was telling me to give up.
Eventually my broad science passion was focused on a dream of curing Multiple Sclerosis. Many of my family members, including my father, have MS and I grew up watching them suffer. Up until recently, there had never been a desire so strong within me. I was sure that I was meant to find a cure or causes of MS. Somehow, during college, I ended up in a laboratory working on antibiotic resistance and development of new antibiotics for resistant infections. The overarching theme of my life has always been wanting to make a positive impact on people's lives. And this area of work made me feel like I was doing that. Not that my work would lead to something 10-15 years from now but that in a couple of years real progress could be made. I had fallen in love with bacteria and antibiotic research and development. Which gets me to where I am now, Last week I successful defended my Masters thesis that was focused on characterizing a new antibacterial compound that is a promising candidate for a new drug. and in two months I will begin my PhD where I plan to continue to work on antibiotic resistance. Its been a long journey and I have a long way to go but I've learned a lot. I've learned that passion and drive are the two most important qualities I posses. Numerous times during my undergraduate career I was told I wasn't cut out for this type of work or that I should pursue a non-research based biology degree, and it broke my heart that much of this criticism came from women. I was so driven to succeed and have the career I always envisioned for myself that I persevered. It didn't matter how many people told me I couldn't do it, I knew I could, and now I have. I am always so thankful I had those female role models when I was younger. I think seeing women succeed in my career field and seeing how much they appreciated my passion instilled a healthy stubbornness within me. If you asked my undergraduate adviser what she thought I would be doing today, she would probably say something along the lines of living in my parents basement having never worked a day because no one would want to hire me. Well she was wrong. Whatever you have chosen to do with your life do it with passion and drive. If someone tells you to give up, don't. See failure as an opportunity to start anew, whether that be to make a career change you have always dreamed of or to continue pursuing something you have been told to forget about. There are many road blocks that will be put in your way but try to think of these more as speed bumps; they may slow you down on your journey but if you believe in yourself and you are willing to put in the work they will never stop you from succeeded. Everyone has the "power" to get to where they want to be, and we all have different obstacles (some more daunting than others). If you are someone who has mild speed bumps use your extra "power" to help those who have a bigger hump to tackle. Try to make a positive impact on this world with everything that you do. Lifting someone else up is one of the best ways to do that. Well once again I said I was back and then I rapidly disappeared for a month. So lets talk a little bit about what I've been up to. I honestly couldn't tell you how I spent the month of March because in so many ways, outside of a final PhD interview, I feel like I have nothing to show for it. I know I did something, I know I was stressed, and I know I was in an emotionally difficult place. What I know the most, is that I have spent this past month parsing out the best "standard operating procedures" for me to manage my stress, depression, anxiety, and in general the ups and downs of life. Recently one of my favorite people to follow along with on social media, Lucie Fink, produced a self-care video (see it here) and it got me thinking. To me, self-care has become a bit of a fad lately. It has reached peak monetization and I feel like I am constantly bombarded with imagines and clips of what self-care is suppose to look like. Many of these involve expensive retreats or candle lit baths saturated with essential oils and floral scents. It is great if that is what works for you! Luxury is not what works for me, and frankly I feel like that's not what works for many people. Self-care isn't something pretty and photographable for all of us and up until recently I felt shameful about that. So in an effort to shine a light on what self-care can look like for some of us, here is how I practice it.
I am a work in progress and probably always will be. As I evolve so will my self-care practices. It is all about determining what works for you in the moment and not being afraid if it is different from some pop culture imagine of what self-care should look like.
People always say “new year, new me” and before the 2017/2018 transition I said it too- most of the time, it was simply the thing to do. I did not really consider its true meaning and was trying to provide some comedic relief to the shit show my life can sometimes be. But not this year, this year I’ve decided to really assess the phrase “new year, new me” and I’ve decided it does not apply.
I really like me! And all the good and the bad that have made me who I am. So for 2018 its new year, the same me who will continue to learn and grown from my experiences and hopefully continue to become the best version of myself: kind, caring, slightly judgmental but still respectful, and passionate while still taking care of myself. 2017 was in sum an incredibly rough year. There were some crises with friends, my grandmother’s diagnosis and subsequent passing, and finally some romanticism that has been both very good and somewhat crushing. Throughout everything I was able to continue to learn who I am as a person: what I want in life, what I find most important, the qualities I need in the people who I surround myself with, and I was able to identify the people who no matter what will be there for me. It has been amazing to have some new people enter and enrich my life to a level I could have never imagined. Showing me how people can connect and then encourage or empower, comfort, challenge, and excite one and other. 2018 is still scary: I still have many unanswered question when it comes to my personal life, I am still waiting to hear from PhD programs, and it feels, as usual, that the world could throw anything at me. But it’s okay. I may not be as prepared as I want to be but that is how life works. Right now, I am sitting with a lot of uncertainty, it is a lot of limbo that I have little to no control over. My goal for 2018 is twofold: I want to distract myself from the uncertainty and I want to take steps that either help me remove some of that uncertainty or at a minimum help me release some the stress it causes. Here are some techniques I have come up with so far, and I would love to hear what some of your methods are! 1. Participate in activities where I can meet new people… social sports. This is one I have thought about for a while but never had the courage to actually pursue. That romantic interest I alluded to earlier, well, he is the one who actually empowered me to finally do it. So guess what, in a little over a week I start playing dodgeball with almost a complete group of strangers! I pray my inability to play team sports is a thing of the past. 2. Expose myself to uncomfortable situations that I do have the power to manage. This goes back to the dodgeball, it is uncomfortable on its own, but I convinced one of my friends to do it with me. This friend also struggles in new social situations and frankly, they are usually harder for him than they are for me. So although I’m putting myself in this uncomfortable and new environment, I’m doing it in a way that I really am going to have to take charge and manage the situation for both of us. Ideally I’ll come out of this experience with some new friends, confidence I can apply to future anxiety inducing social situations, and maybe a new found passion (the idea of throwing things at a human has sounded appealing on a couple or so occasions). 3. Try the fitness classes that I have been avoiding for a long time. Confession, I started this before the new year by doing a free week at Pure Barre but it still seems daunting to me. I thrive in a group exercise setting but at the same time, I feel embarrassed because I am never that good. That feeling is something I want to learn to be okay with, so I am practicing some exposure therapy. My plan is to try a few different barre studios and then find the one I like and consistently go. I would like to work to get to a point where I can help someone who feels similarly to me. I always like to reflect on how my situation could have been improved if someone had reached out and then to practice that when the tables are turned. 4. Journal. This has never been my thing but lately I have found that writing down my thoughts helps me find calm and focus (kind of like this post). I am constantly concerned I am going to forget something I want to say to someone and how I feel in the moment and writing it down takes that worry away. I have started aggressively using the notes app on my phone and added a small notebook to my collection of things I carry around. It also helps me write my true narrative, in contrast to the biased one that plays out in my head. I get a lot of clarity or at least an understanding of what I need to get clarity/ move on/ succeed/ etc. And finally, eat less canned soup...I’m pretty sure the salt is not helping me physically or mentally in anyway. I love giving gifts. Something about the happiness on a friend for family member's face when you unexpectedly give them a small token of love just lights up my life. And my preferred type of gift is a fun and quirky one. I've compiled a small guide filled with gifts I will definitely be giving in the future and some of my all time favorites. The best part...they are all under $15 1. Daytime Animals Mug I always get the greatest responses when I gift this mug. Full disclosure it is crude. It is pretty much bears having an orgy but people drink out of the mug and never realize it. Or when they do, they end up on the floor laughing. 2. Upside Down Wine Glass I want one of my own! Think about it, wine glasses are top heavy and when the party gets started... that's a tragedy waiting to happen; for you and your friend's rug. 3. Wine Life Coloring Book I feel like this item needs no explanation. 4. Dog Butt Magnets I never knew my fridge was incomplete until I saw these. Absolutely the perfect gift for any dog lover. 5. Moose Oven Mitt I have a friend who sends me a text every time he uses this oven mitt. This is a particularly great gift for a man who either doesn't want to grow up or lives for a good dad joke. 6. Tacosaurus Socks Is it me or does it seem like everyone has a wonderful obsession with both tacos and dinosaurs right now? I don't hate it. And I love that these socks give you the best of both worlds. I hope one of these items is everything you've been looking for and happy gifting!
Today would have been my Nana's 86th birthday. This past July she was diagnosed with chronic myeliod leukemia. Many, otherwise healthy individuals, undergo treatment and go into remission with this type of leukemia. Her leukemia, however, was complicated by her Crohn's Disease; she was given six months. When I got the news I swear I felt my heart literally break. My grandmother was a kind, loving, and inspiring woman and the idea of not having her in my life was unbearable. I spent a lot of time trying to decide if the torture of knowing she was going to die was more painful than the a sudden death, much like I had experienced previously with another grandparent. For the two weeks after I got the news there was little I could do without breaking down. When I would watch TV the commercials, if not the show itself, would make me cry. If I sat in silence I cried. When I went to class I had to excuse myself to cry. And the entire time I didn't speak to anyone about it. I felt like I was broken and if anyone truly found out how I was feeling I would be judged. Eventually, I opened up to a close friend who had gone through a similar experience. It turns out, she had felt the exact same way and was also afraid to let it be known. So here I am, sharing my story of grief so maybe I can help someone else who is struggling. A few weeks after the diagnosis I went home to visit my grandmother. I was under the impression that she had more months to live so this wasn't goodbye; more of a chance to be with her while she was still healthy and could truly experience the joy of living vicariously through me. I am so grateful that I was able to share that moment with her, to see her smile, to feel her warm hug. Is was less than a week later that I got a phone call to come back home, she had taken a turn for the worse and was in the hospital. She was expected to pass any day. After having to re-book my flight three different times because I was so distraught (shout-out to JetBlue for being so understanding) I was on my way home and then off to the hospital. Over the course of the next four days she was surrounded by my family. Just sitting in the room, in her presence, felt comforting. I can vividly remember the last time I kissed her goodbye. Getting the phone call was expected and although heartbreaking, it was calming. I knew she was no longer suffering. Grieving has been a difficult process, one that began before she was gone. She was taken much sooner than expected and that was hard. I thought I had time to experience things with her still and I was robbed of that. Beautifully, in her passing she brought a family together to reminisce and laugh and love. It's been a couple of months now and I still find myself crying while watching TV on occasion, but I'm okay with it. I am okay with it because I know I have friends and family who are there for me. I am okay with it because I know it is normal and I will not be judged. I am okay with it because it shows how much I love her. I am okay with it because I got to say goodbye. I'm still not sure what is more painful, a sudden death or one you see coming, but I do know I am so happy I was able to say goodbye. During the last years of my Nana's life her quality of living was severely reduced because of Crohn's disease. This is what truly breaks my heart. To honor her memory, my family and I have decided to hold a fundraiser for the Chron's and Colitis Foundation. As with anything my family does, there has to be a joke involved so my Dad has agreed to grow out his fro and beard for 1 month for every $500 we raise. Please consider donating My Dad's legendary fro
Sleep Hygiene - behaviors and practices that promote high quality sleep
Let's back up for a second. I suffer from insomnia, generally and linked to anxiety. I'm talking nights where I get only 2-3 hours of sleep. I used to think it was all because of anxiety but after talking to a specialist it seems like there might be more going on...like a sleep disorder. I haven't gotten around to taking a sleep test (I know this is bad, and I'm working on it). In the mean time, I have started what I refer to as my good sleep hygiene journey. The following are the practices that I have begun to incorporate into my life in order to achieve better sleep.
I've been doing this for about a month now and things have really been better. I definitely still have some rough nights but I'm finding that I feel more refreshed in the morning and I am taking the medication less often. I am hopeful that things will continue to improve and I'll make sure to update you along the way! It's the first day of summer and therefore the start of Lilly Pulitzer season. I celebrated the day with one of my favorite Lilly tops. You can find all my #ootd details here. In addition to wearing a piece of Lilly, I also wanted to celebrate by sharing my picks from this seasons line up (shout-out to my favorite print, Lobstah Roll). Under $50From Left to Right: Dori Tee -Star Struck, Gigi V-Neck Tank - Lobstah Roll, Etta V-Neck Top -Exotic Escapade TopsLeft to Right Top: Essie Top - Sea Salt and Sun, Sain Off the Shoulder Top Bottom: Tamiami Off the Shoulder Top - Beach and Bae, UPF 50+ Captain Popover - Lobstah Roll I Don't fit into a CATEGORYFrom Left to Right: Cadden Scalloped Crop Top & Skirt Set, Marii Skort DRessesFrom Left to Right Top: Sleeveless Essie Dress - Hey Bay Bay, Alexa Shift Dress - Goombay Smashed Bottom: Pearl Shift Dress - Lobstah Roll, Margot Swing Dress - Star Struck Comment with your favorite Lilly Pulitzer Print or style!
Escaping to the Muir Woods with my DadFun Fact: seeing Red Wood trees has literally been at the top of my bucket list for as long as I can remember. I have this fascination with nature and dream of one day taking a cross country road trip where I hit every National Park. On the my second day in San Francisco, I got one of the most meaningful surprises of my life. We had crossed the Golden Gate Bridge and I was under the impression that we were heading to a look out point. But then we kept driving and the next thing I know we were heading to the Muir Woods. I obviously knew that the Muir Woods were in close proximity to where we were but I honestly thought there wasnt even a whisper of a chance of us going. (Fast Fact: national parks aren't my Sister's favorite thing and the vacation wasnt just for me). I think my Dad, aka my best friend, knew how much it would mean to me if we went and so he made it happen. While my Sister and Mom took a nap in the car, my Father and I got to escape into this otherworldly majestic place. The peace and calm that washed over my body as I stood looking up at these soaring, wise trees is indescribable! And it meant so much to experience the moment with my father. Sappy moment: My dad is the person that I always do outdoorsy things with. We will go on nature walks or go kayaking or simply just watch a National Geographic show about some beautiful place we wish we could visit. These experiences have really helped me develop this wonderful bond with him. I am so thankful to have such a positive influence in my life and I think the Muir Woods surprise just really embodied that relationship.
Being In D.C. and away from my family has been hard and so having special moments like this where I can form strong, positive memories is something I really cherish. My Father is constantly surrounded by women so for Father's Day, my family, tries to keep things stereotypical manly. I like to believe he appreciates this. For years my go-to has been a new tool or a gift card to a hardware store. Theses are both still great options but I felt diversification was needed. So without further ado... the Father's Day Gift Guide (all items are $60 or less!!).
|