Today would have been my Nana's 86th birthday. This past July she was diagnosed with chronic myeliod leukemia. Many, otherwise healthy individuals, undergo treatment and go into remission with this type of leukemia. Her leukemia, however, was complicated by her Crohn's Disease; she was given six months. When I got the news I swear I felt my heart literally break. My grandmother was a kind, loving, and inspiring woman and the idea of not having her in my life was unbearable. I spent a lot of time trying to decide if the torture of knowing she was going to die was more painful than the a sudden death, much like I had experienced previously with another grandparent. For the two weeks after I got the news there was little I could do without breaking down. When I would watch TV the commercials, if not the show itself, would make me cry. If I sat in silence I cried. When I went to class I had to excuse myself to cry. And the entire time I didn't speak to anyone about it. I felt like I was broken and if anyone truly found out how I was feeling I would be judged. Eventually, I opened up to a close friend who had gone through a similar experience. It turns out, she had felt the exact same way and was also afraid to let it be known. So here I am, sharing my story of grief so maybe I can help someone else who is struggling. A few weeks after the diagnosis I went home to visit my grandmother. I was under the impression that she had more months to live so this wasn't goodbye; more of a chance to be with her while she was still healthy and could truly experience the joy of living vicariously through me. I am so grateful that I was able to share that moment with her, to see her smile, to feel her warm hug. Is was less than a week later that I got a phone call to come back home, she had taken a turn for the worse and was in the hospital. She was expected to pass any day. After having to re-book my flight three different times because I was so distraught (shout-out to JetBlue for being so understanding) I was on my way home and then off to the hospital. Over the course of the next four days she was surrounded by my family. Just sitting in the room, in her presence, felt comforting. I can vividly remember the last time I kissed her goodbye. Getting the phone call was expected and although heartbreaking, it was calming. I knew she was no longer suffering. Grieving has been a difficult process, one that began before she was gone. She was taken much sooner than expected and that was hard. I thought I had time to experience things with her still and I was robbed of that. Beautifully, in her passing she brought a family together to reminisce and laugh and love. It's been a couple of months now and I still find myself crying while watching TV on occasion, but I'm okay with it. I am okay with it because I know I have friends and family who are there for me. I am okay with it because I know it is normal and I will not be judged. I am okay with it because it shows how much I love her. I am okay with it because I got to say goodbye. I'm still not sure what is more painful, a sudden death or one you see coming, but I do know I am so happy I was able to say goodbye. During the last years of my Nana's life her quality of living was severely reduced because of Crohn's disease. This is what truly breaks my heart. To honor her memory, my family and I have decided to hold a fundraiser for the Chron's and Colitis Foundation. As with anything my family does, there has to be a joke involved so my Dad has agreed to grow out his fro and beard for 1 month for every $500 we raise. Please consider donating My Dad's legendary fro
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